By: Danisha Reed, LPC, ACS
Pain and discomfort come in all forms, shapes, and sizes. No one size fits all. We all will experience our
share of pain. There are not many guarantees in life, but pain and change you can take to the bank! Pain
is uncomfortable and of course we do not want to come near it…ever! It is viewed very negatively
because of how it makes us feel. We as flawed humans make the determination of what is good and bad
based on how it makes us feel. I will say that again for the people in the back. We determine what is
good or bad, many times, by how it makes us feel. But God in His infinite wisdom always has a purpose
attached to pain, change, and life. Believe it or not there is a road less traveled when we meet pain at
the corner. We should be passing through, but instead we get hotel and stay in pain for a while, missing
out on the next place of passion, then purpose.
Pain Expires? Yes, I believe pain has an expiration date, and like anything we use or ingest after it
expires, has harsh uncomfortable, sometimes fatal consequences. Taking medication within the time
allotted, will ensure it will operate at its best. Foods will have the phrase, “best if used by” this date. We
will get the most out of many things when we use it within the time frame provided or we will miss out
on the nutritional value and/or the best qualities of that product. When we get the most use out of
something, it is no longer useful and we throw it away.
What if I told you this is the same with pain? Pain has spiritual nutritional value and an expiration
date attached. What if I told you that when we hold onto pain after it expires, it becomes more
harmful than good?
Getting stuck in pain and staying there, is not healthy. This place is breeding ground for shame, blame,
unforgiveness and bitterness in the heart, creating hardness around the heart. Do you ever wonder
where the terms, “bitter old woman,” or “grumpy old man,” come from? My guess is how one chooses
to deal with life as one ages. You have the choice to become hardened with life’s tragedies or stay soft
and flexible, adjusting, learning, and growing along the way. After pain expires, it loses its nutritional
value and is useless.
How would you know if pain has expired but is still being used? How do you know if you have moved
passed pain and in your next phase, lacking nothing? Well below are some questions to ask yourself:
Do you have guilt or unforgiveness in your heart concerning a painful situation?
Do you avoid loved ones and get anxiety when you are near them?
Are you angry about a painful event?
Do you use pain as an excuse not to trust?
Do you use a painful event as an excuse to avoid relationships?
Do you have a hardened heart toward others who have offended you?
Are you overly critical of yourself as well as others?
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Do you avoid, shut down, or become highly agitated when certain topics are discussed?
If you have answered “yes” to any of these questions, chances are you may still be using an expired
brand of pain that needs to be thrown out asap. Using expired pain is like taking something worth
nothing and making it extremely valuable above all. It keeps us from moving forward and living our best
life. These questions are just some of the questions to ask yourself and you may need to ask yourself
more. When pain expires and we continue to use it, the expired pain starts to become a filter that we
use to make decisions in our life, we begin to wear it as a badge. We see life through this filter which
then skews our perception as well as takes away the quality of life we should have. Making statements
like, “you couldn’t walk a mile in my shoes!” or “Nothing compares to what I have been through.”
Putting pain in a high-ranking area in your life, takes the number one spot where God belongs. How is
pain comparable to the Most-High? When pain expires, pain then becomes more harmful than good. It
becomes poison, instead of purposeful and nutritious. Below is a personal story of mine that inspired
this article. Going from Pain to Passion, then to Purpose will never be an easy journey. Only worth it!
And you my friend are so worth the journey!
I was married for 6 years, 4 children, going to school and working. My husband at that time was working
and we became like ships passing in the night. By passing each other, communicating when we needed
to, laughing and sharing jokes, many times attempting to restore romance, but neither one of us put in
the consistent effort. I did not believe divorce was possible for us, I believed there was plenty of time to
resolve any lack in our marriage. Then BAM! My husband was unfaithful with a woman, fell in love with
her, and created a child with her. More information over a series of months began to be revealed. I will
never forget my husband’s words to me, “Our time has expired.” Thoughts and images, and dreams of
how my future would look began to dissipate to just emptiness and clouds. I did not know what was
next. He left and moved in with his new love and shared that life with her. The onset of pain of course as
we all know is unbearable. Feeling abandoned by my husband at the time, and feeling like God could
have given me a little heads up! (smile). I began to pray more, worship more, read the bible more, focus
on getting my heart back to health. In society today, many would give me a break and allow me to lose it
for once. I would not be blamed if I were to slash some tires or have a verbal or physical dispute with the
other woman! There are many songs and movies that encourage retaliation of a woman scorned. I
would be lying if I said I didn’t want to be that woman and wreak havoc on this newly love life of his.
But, what I wanted more was to please God even in this. When we go to God first, we commit pain to
him, not MY pain…just simple pain. It belongs to God. I have no say over what God wants to do with this
pain I am experiencing. I realize I detached from this situation and did not make it my own. But, said
Lord, “This situation is so uncomfortable, but nevertheless Thy will be done, it belongs to You.” The
relationship between the two of them did not last, and dissolved a year later. Moving into passion, my
heart was soft, I forgave them both. I built a healthy relationship with the other woman, who at that
time, struggled with cancer and died a few short years later. I remember visiting her a year before she
passed, and embraced her and prayed with her. We exchanged laughs and we thought who would have
thought two people, who were supposed to be enemies, would be at a soft place of passionate
forgiveness? When God has His way, and fulfills His purpose, anything is possible. As a therapist I share
this story with many of my clients to encourage them to forgive, to explain that there is purpose in their
pain, and to let them know they do not have to fit any man-made mold of how they should respond to
pain. I do not know how things would be if I held on to pain, wore pain as a badge, treated others
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poorly because of MY pain. Maybe I would have had extreme guilt due to not forgiving her…I do not
know what that path would have been.
SUGAR TIP:
- Stop coveting pain as if you paid for it. It was not a buy one get one free. It has its place, and it was
not meant to be at the top. - Give yourself distance from any offenses that have caused pain by eliminating the word “My pain.”