Transparency is intimacy. Many people find it difficult to be open. Learn practical ways to
increase intimate communication and navigate challenging conversations. Lean into the
tension, to RELEASE the tension.
By: Danisha Reed, LPC, ACS
Have you had those dreams where you were naked on stage or in front of hundreds of people?
Perhaps you have had some form of naked dreams. Pretty scary or awkward huh? What about
silence? Have you ever experienced that silence which can be challenging to sit through? We all
have been there, not knowing what to say or when to say it, especially when dealing with loved
ones. In relationships, many of us communicate on the surface level and not on a deeper level.
Rarely do we live and communicate “under the deep blue sea.” Not a problem. However,
surface communication can increase misunderstandings because communication is not
necessarily from the heart, it’s on the surface. For example, I had a couple come in for couples
counseling and discussed a particular situation. It goes a little something like this. A husband
leaves work and goes to the bar with co-workers to let off some steam and relax before going
home to wife and children. He let his wife know he will be home in 2 hours. Wife agreed, and
continued to prepare children for bed and make sure husband has a meal for when he returns.
2 hours go by, then 4 hours go by and then a whole 6 hours goes by. Husband did not arrive
home until after midnight. The wife yells at husband and makes statements like, “who is she?”
“I bet you were all in her face the whole entire night!” You know how this goes. The husband
yells back and finds it foolish for wife to yell and make unnecessary statements and accusations.
The yelling match begins….ready fight!
Here is the thing, the beautiful part of being a therapist, is that we search for hidden messages
by moving past the emotion, perhaps there is a need here that is not being met. Perhaps it is
not about thoughts of him cheating, perhaps it is something deeper. After exploring the wife’s
feelings. We come to find, that she does not feel safe home alone at night with the children, it
gives her a lot of anxiety. Being alone does not feel safe at night. Hmmmmmm, I wonder if the
heart of the matter could have been addressed, under the surface communication could have
allowed 2 hearts to communicate and provide for a better resolution to avoid an explosion. I
wonder how the husband would have responded if the wife would have said, “when you are
out late at night, it does not make me feel safe and I want you to be home with me, you make
me feel safe.” Communication under the surface will allow hearts to communicate, and many
times eliminate a need for an argument. Thus, the pattern of communication gradually changes
for the better. Leaning into the tension, pushing past the discomfort of being vulnerable, will in
fact, Reduce and Release the tension.
Unfortunately, this requires vulnerability and transparency. Many of us do not feel comfortable
with this. Discomfort seems to determine what we do. If it is comfortable, we do it. If it is
uncomfortable, we avoid it. Sound about right?
Leaning into the tension means having the conversation, make the move, while discomfort is
present. Growth happens in the presence of challenge or discomfort, not the absence of it.
Allowing someone to see you naked is risky, because then, you are trusting someone with the
true essence of yourself and what if you are not enough? What if you are too much? In this
moment, You can’t hide behind anything, not your clothes, your career, your roles, etc.
Completely exposed, open for judgment. Can you be okay with this? I will answer this for
you…YES YOU CAN! Diving into vulnerable and intimate communication says you give yourself
permission to own your truth, to speak your truth and to choose what truths will stay and what
truths you will let go of. It gives you permission to ask some of your wounds some questions
and address them without the loudness of pride or ego getting in the way. So say it with me
and affirm yourself right now:
“I give myself permission to get to the heart of the matter.”