Building your child’s self-esteem account during childhood and adolescence.
By: Danisha Reed, LPC, ACS
Did you know when you as a parent or caregiver takes on the responsibility of a baby, you have opened
up a self-esteem account for them? You are the owner of this account and are responsible for building
self-esteem funds over the course of their childhood, showing them their value and worth. If you are a
present caregiver, think back on times when you just looked at this little person and marveled, smiled,
and experienced such a joy you had no words for. If you are not a caregiver, and plan to be, just imagine
how this experience shows a child their worth, without them having to perform for it, without having to
earn it. They are enough just by breathing. Building a self-esteem account by depositing funds daily will
allow a child to grow to have a healthy self-image. Praise is a free and useful tool in parenting, but also
used in many forms of relationships that aid in healthy development. Specific praise is when one shows
high regard for an identified behavior, like going to the potty or saying please and thank you. A child
earns much praise in their self-esteem account when they are young in healthy households, because
many times the child is saying or behaving in a way that is new and is done for the first time. Global
praise is giving praise without a reason or without an identified behavior, like “you know my heart beats
for you,” or “Gosh, I just love you.” These statements are made in daily life without the child having to
perform for this type of praise. It is showing a person they are loved, cherished, without having to earn
it. Both should be used regularly. The more praise the more funds the child will have in their account
before the account is then transferred in their name. During adolescence, maybe around the age of 12-
13 years, it is the adolescent’s responsibility to continue to make deposits in their account long into
adulthood. Caregivers do not stop the specific and global praise, they just do not make the bulk of the
deposits by themselves.
There are adults who are reading this that may say they were given their self-esteem account as an
adolescent and it was in the negative! Maybe you were only praised for working hard, or maybe you
were not praised at all and this topic is foreign to you. This is a sad reality. Many do not explore
depositing funds into their self-esteem account until they are in their adulthood, and they have to cover
the negative balance before they would even see the benefits of the deposits. Although it is tough to
start from a negative balance, it is necessary, and even more necessary as a caregiver who now is
responsible for their little one’s self esteem account.
Deposits come in the form of praise and accomplishments. A caregiver’s goal should be to build the self-
esteem account enough, so the child or adolescent can cover the withdrawals of life. What are
withdrawals? These are upsets and life’s challenges. This can happen at home and at school, and are
practically inevitable. As a child ages, the praises come less and less by others. Let’s face it, you are not
going to praise your 12 year-old for using the potty! As a child grows, even touch comes less and less.
Children become more and more independent in their activities of daily living. Praise, both specific and
global, is an active resource, that continues to be valuable overtime. It is recommended to get creative
and exercise this tool, as it will always be needed in relationships.
Unfortunately, many do not know this experience of specific and global praise, or even a self-esteem
account. Childhood experiences ae crucial in molding a child and adolescent’s self-esteem. If this is
something new to you, no worries, it is never too late to start creating healthy patterns within your
family’s interaction and communication. As a child grows, develops and matures, they will need the
funds to be proud of themselves, and not look for other’s approval. They will need funds to overcome a
breakup or a loss. They will need to see that it is healthy to have self-love and self-kindness even when
they have made mistakes. They will have the funds because their caregivers provided global praise and
showed them they were valuable… just by breathing.
SUGAR Tips: If you have a child or adolescent in your family, even a niece or nephew, practice specific
praise daily. Make a commitment to yourself by giving yourself a number of specific praises you want to
give a day and meet that goal! I will also challenge you to create an on-going global praise that becomes
so familiar, the children will even say it back to you and it becomes a family pattern. Phrases like “my
heart beats for you,” that you would say regularly to loved ones in your household, create unity and
uniqueness, and lots of fun!