Navigating communication barriers and learning how to choose curiosity over assumption
By: Danisha Reed, LPC, ACS
The phrase goes, “curiosity killed the cat.” It means when you are looking for something,
chances are you will not like what you find, perhaps being curious can be dangerous
sometimes. With the growing trust issues in a world of broken vessels today, how can you
possibly not raise your eye brow and assume the worst? Assumption is when one gathers
present evidence presented and stamps a period at the end of it, because there is no need to
further investigate. What is presented is the truth…at least that is how it is handled anyway. But
how many of us know, it is not always what it seems, and some information is hidden at times.
We all have assumed before and when more information comes out, we feel embarrassed, silly,
and even shameful. Then, if pride is not too loud, we go and apologize for being the crazy
person. I have done it, we all have done it. I recall doing this with my 18 year old son recently.
He told me he was at his friend’s home, whom I know very well. When I reached out to him via
text, he did not answer, so I texted his friend. He informed me he would call him right now and
let my son know I was trying to reach him. “I thought he was with you!” I exclaimed. He said he
was with him, but he is downstairs and the friend was upstairs. I replied, “RIGHT!” sarcastically.
I immediately chose to assume, instead of using curiosity to leave the situation open enough for
more clarity. Of course my son wanted to video chat, prove he was there as well as send a
picture…lol. How did I feel? Come on, you can imagine, embarrassed. And then I wanted to be
curious with myself and ask myself, “why did I jump the gun like that?” Perhaps I should have
played the curiosity game when it mattered.
Perhaps you have countless stories about assuming versus choosing to be curious with your
spouse. How did it turn out, most times? Wait, don’t answer that. There is a better way. A
simple change in focus, will allow you to pause, take a breath, and leave room for more
information to flow through before responding with an assumption. So, how does this work?
There are countless situations you can use this tool on. Choose small situations to test it our
regularly first. Something like, “Hmmmm I thought she said she was going to the grocery store
after work, so why does the location say she is somewhere else?” This is curiosity, which allows
you to further ask questions, or wait until more information comes. Assumption would be,
“yeah here she goes lying again, telling me one thing and the doing another, she doesn’t
communicate at all!” The assumption provides a hard period, leaving no room for additional
information, and it leaves you angry with no resolution. This cannot work in a relationship at all.
It is more important for YOU to use curiosity, not specifically, for your spouse, but for YOU. You
are the one who needs curiosity, because it will buy you time, it will keep you more calm, and it
will save you from jumping the gun and assuming the worse. Curiosity can be an open door for
resolution and reconciliation, and can allow you to avoid some blow ups in arguments. Will you
choose to use curiosity over assumption to save you. It is a healthier look on you then
assumption. Curiosity will give you a couple breaths before allowing a situation to immediately
unravel and get out of hand, when it could have been avoided. This is an added way to improve
communication and self-discipline to better help navigate communication and resolve
misunderstandings real quick. Go ahead, try it out. Curiosity won’t kill the cat, but assumption
just might!