Taking charge of emotions is a family affair
By: Danisha Reed, LPC, ACS
Communication and interaction with others, whether positive or negative, is learned behavior. Think
about your own style of communication. How do you communicate your feelings to your loved ones?
Many will use the statements, “I go from 0 to 10 in 3 seconds!” Although it may feel that way, I would
like to challenge this thought and say maybe you are not listening as the numbers go from 1 to 2 to 3 to
4 and so on. Maybe you are used to being very aware of 8-10 on the emotional scale. What if I told you
that you do not have to see the number 10 on the emotional scale again? Today, you can give yourself
permission to always be at a 4 or below by creating a new pattern. But it doesn’t happen overnight. To
create a pattern, one must apply a behavior regularly. But how does one respond to a situation regularly
at a 4 or below, if difficult situations do not arise that often? Good question. When considering a
behavioral change, one must apply a practice in normal everyday life. Consider a police officer, or fire
fighter, or even a cheerleader. They all have one thing in common… drills, practice, all to prepare for the
event when they will need to be on point foreal! In order to respond and not react to difficult situations
of frustration, there has to be a regular response put in place for daily practice. There is no shortage in
life that cause frustration. We know this. However, our response, can be different if that is what we
desire.
We know feelings of anger are okay and we should understand it is a normal response to adverse
situations. How one expresses their feelings, can create such a level of difficulty in the very functioning
of a family’s daily activities. For this reason, one should not be singled out and forced into anger
management. Instead, perhaps, the whole family can learn creative ways to all practice emotional
wellness. One helpful tool that is free and can be practiced by the whole family, big and small is checking
in with each other before a discussion or question takes place. We know we cannot read minds and
there aren’t any bubbles over anyone’s heads for us to read the silent messages. For this reason, it is
important to say something like, “what is your number right now?” On a scale of 1-10, 10 being
extremely frustrated. That person would check in their number and if it is above 5, perhaps the
question or discussion can wait until a later time. This is a boundary everyone in the family can respect.
Whether husband and wife, or parent and child. A child coming home from school may have a lot on
their minds, if a parent asks, “Hey, what’s your number right now?” The child is able to take a self-
inventory and report the number. Again, if the number is above 5, maybe the parent can have a later
conversation about the child not cleaning up their room. Checking in your numbers as a family tool, can
help avoid explosive episodes and build healthy boundaries within the family. Of course, like many
things, tools can be abused to avoid all types of conversation. For this reason, it is important to not only
check in numbers, but then to also communicate regularly so there is no build-up of frustration. Just like
a person with diabetes needs to check their glucose level before eating, exercising, or sleeping, because
that will determine what they are able to do next, so the importance of checking one’s emotional
numbers to determine if a conversation can be had at that time. Communication can take place in many
ways, not just verbal. Letter writing, passing sticky notes and leaving them in special places, or even
having a one notebook that sits on the coffee table for all persons of the family to write in are ways to
nurture communication within the family. Give yourself permission to make change, and then make it a
family affair. Team work makes the dream work!
SUGAR Tip: Start checking in with yourself 3x daily and keep a log for a week to determine where you
fall on the emotional number scale. Often times, lack of sleep, hunger, and exercise can bring the
numbers down. Then, introduce this practice to your family!